The black sheep…
Growing up in my family I always felt as though I was the odd one out, like no one seemed to really understand life the same way I did. Which was, as far as I was concerned, the right way. I once went looking for evidence that I was adopted, but when I did I couldn’t see past the undeniable similarities in looks I shared with my family members. And I couldn’t deny that I felt a connection with my younger brother, so I thought that possibly he was adopted too, but in hindsight I think it was really just because he believed in me and seemed to agree amicably with the orders, I mean guidance, I gave him.
That sense of difference and separation stayed with me as I began to branch out in the world and make friends at primary school and then high school. I didn’t connect strongly with my schooling. I had the intelligence, but again, I think I knew more than my teachers which rendered me bored and my boredom lead me to unsavoury behaviours, like smoking and jigging school. One thing that did start to happen though was that I started to connect with others that were just like me, and this rebellious behaviour was something we all bonded over. All of the friends I bonded with had experienced some sort of family disruption and emotional turmoil around that, and there were a few other syncronicities that we shared as well. We were all very cluey and shared a similar sense of humour, which was philosophical & dry. And we were all able to laugh at the darker side of life, an art which seemed to elude some of our better behaved “normal” counterparts. While some of us stayed friends, as a group we went our separate ways, life lead us in different directions. In hindsight I think we just didn’t think to make a plan to connect after school finished because we all just moved out into the world forging our own paths. For me there could have been no other way. Because even though I shared a bond with these girls my decision to do things my own way was already too strong.
Interestingly enough despite having decided that I was obviously unique and destined to be on my own, whenever I was away from my family I pined to return to them. It eventually got better and I did enjoy a few times away from them. Then when I was 24, me and my decision went away on our own to Africa and within 3 days of getting there came down with what they thought at first was malaria but ended up just being a very nasty virus, so I had cut my trip short, to return once again to the family! I also found myself in a series of long-term relationships from the age of 17 onwards, the third of which resulting in a marriage that ended after 7 years. I spent my 1 and only year as a single woman until age 30 when I met my 2nd husband to whom I am still married and now have 2 children as well. Try as I might these relationships just won’t leave me alone!
What I think I’m finally figuring out is that it is through our relationships we really begin to know ourselves. I have read this in numerous spiritual texts and have understood it as a concept. One example of this is a quote by Shakti Gawain, “Taking care of yourself does not mean doing it all alone. Creating a good relationship with yourself is not done in a vacuum, without relationship to other people. If it were, we could all become hermits for a few years until we had a perfect relationship with ourselves, and then just emerge and suddenly have perfect relationships with others. We need to build and strengthen our relationship with ourselves through interaction with other people”
So it seems that even when we think we don’t want them, we actually need them. It is an essential drive within all of us to continue to grow and learn, and it’s our relationships that are our best teachers. The world is our mirror and things that we love or that erk us about other people are also present within us, or as the saying goes “If you spot it you’ve got it”. Every relationship is significant, whether it’s for a “reason, a season or a lifetime”. Even the relationships that seem the hardest are showing us aspects of ourselves that are hardest to accept, and learning to accept others as they are is the only true way to become whole.
I have to admit it’s been my relationship with my own children and husband, and the way that they love me, that have made me want to be a better person. Watching how my kids mirror back to me certain behaviours of mine really puts it in my face, especially when I tell them that it’s not ok to do it! I have also recently reconnected with my school friends after our 20 year (gasp!) school reunion too. We are all kind of wondering why we forgot to stay in touch but either way it’s great to be in touch now.
If I could leave you with just one piece of advice it would be; Hold tight to those people you love and let them remind you every day of all that is wonderful and amazing about you. Let that be the source of strength you need for the times you experience the hard ones. But don’t hold back, get out there and get to know the world, it really is a rich and rewarding tapestry that needs your colours in it.
Wow I like reading your blog, Fiona. Thanks